Mary, Woman of Priority and Exceptional Love

“Don’t let someone be a priority in your life… when you are just an option in theirs.”

This is a message displayed as a status in one of friend’s Facebook account, and as I was thinking about it, and while this same message although seem to be intended for perhaps a reality check for my friend’s relationship with other people, this same message can be applied on the spiritual level as well.

“Don’t let someone be a priority in your life… when you are just an option in theirs.”

Is God a priority in our lives or is God one of the many superfluous in our lives, so that he is a good option especially when times seems bad, relationships are on the rocks, finances are uncertain, and that option of having a soothing God makes perfect sense. Or is it when times are good for us, God seems to be that nice accessory that makes all things picture perfect? Or is he truly the real mantelpiece that takes centrestage in the room of our lives, in the heart of our being?

“Don’t let someone be a priority in your life… when you are just an option in theirs.”

If in our relating with people, especially with those whom we perceive as important, in a way likewise, we hope they will see us as important, as priority in their lives and not just mere options, second best accessories. Are we likewise doing the same for God, who practically gives us everything that you and I have in our lives. Nothing, nothing really belongs to us, they are gifts from the Lord. Yet, God gives us the freedom to use these gifts as we deem fit. He leaves the choice to us, no coercing, no forcing upon, while at the same time gives us the grace of knowing what is right and wrong.

Mary’s yes to the invitation to become the Mother of God in the Annunciation, her urgency in visiting Elizabeth thereafter despite her own pregnancy, Mary’s attentiveness the needs of the bridal couple at Cana when they ran out of wine, her openness to be not just the mother of Jesus, but to be the mother of the beloved disciple – who represents the whole of humanity – at the foot of the Cross despite her own sorrows, was not simply bored out as a matter-of-fact, as if it comes naturally to her. But Mary’s constant ‘yes-es’ was a result of her recognizing God as a priority in her life, and the awareness that she too is not a mere digit or iota in the plan of God, but truly as someone unique and is a priority in God’s plan. Not an option but truly a priority.

Mary’s yes is also an act of love, an act of the mind and heart, an act of will. Love is acceptance of what God has in store for us as it is, and yet love is also a rejection. When we love something or someone, it also means we reject something or someone. If John loves Mary, this would mean that he rejects all other girls and his love, his preference is for no one else but Mary. Likewise, if we love God, it also means that we reject sin and all other things that prevent us from loving him wholly and fully.

If given a choice on a train journey, would we not want to travel first-class and enjoy all the perks and first-class comforts? God does not have second-best or economy-class plan for each of us, but God has a first-class plan, a heaven-class plan for each of us, and He is inviting to hop on this train ride with Him, and yet only if we want to. Sadly, many of us prefer a second-class train ride, a second-rated relationship with Him, and that at times includes even me.

Whenever we approach Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament, let us ask God the Father for the grace to see as Mary sees, to love as Mary loves, to see and ask for the grace to recognize that God has a unique plan for each of us. We are not mere options in God’s masterplan, but truly a priority. Ask Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament for that exceptional love just as Mary has, to love God the Father exceptionally, as truly a priority in our lives. Let God be the priority in our lives and not just an option.


Dearest Mother, grant to us the quality of exceptional love for your Son Jesus, so that He can lead us to the Father. Help us in this train of life, and never let us lose hope. Whenever we lose sight of your Son Jesus, gently guide us with your maternal love and when times calls for it, rebuke us with tough love on your part, so that we be ever perfecting in our journey towards the Kingdom. All these we pray in the name of Jesus, through the Father, in the Holy Spirit. Amen

Reflections on Corpus Christi

A Catholic Bishop was speaking with a learned man who was a non-believer. The man asked, 'How is it possible for the host to be transformed into the body and blood of Jesus Christ?' The Bishop thought for a while and replied, 'Do we eat food everyday? These food are digested and transformed into our body and blood, is it not? God is capable of even greater things. Why then is it not possible for this to be transformed into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ?'

The man asked again, 'How can the whole of Jesus be present in the little piece of host?' The Bishop pondered for a moment and said, 'The scenery before us is beautiful, is it not? The whole horizon and the vast plains in front of us.' The man nodded in agreement. 'The scene before us is captured in our eyeball, such a small receptacle of the human body. How then is it not, for a God who is capable of greater things, to make present the whole Jesus in the little host?'

The man pondered and asked again, 'Tell me how then, is it possible for the same Jesus to be present in all the hosts all over the world, at the same time.' The Bishop thought for a moment and replied with a smile, 'You have seen a mirror? It captures the image of whatever it reflects. If you throw it on the ground, it will shatter into little pieces. Each piece will also reflect the same image at the same time won't they.'

The Body and Blood of Jesus Christ which we receive every mass is so often taken for granted. My prayer is that this day and everytime we receive this sacrament of love, we may ponder more deeply the great gift that our Lord has given to us, to be present with us not only spiritual, but also physically.

Punggol End or End of Punggol? - Br Edward Seah

At our recent Diocesan Vocation Retreat, I learnt that quite a number of participants could not find the way to the Seminary. How is that possible considering Singapore is [according to a minister from one of our neighbouring countries] just a little red dot? Then I recall the very few occasions I had taxi rides to the place. The drivers did not seem to know where Ponggol 17 Ave or Ponggol End were. One only knew when I said ‘It’s near the end of Punggol’.

At a table conversation during the vocation retreat, I learnt that it seems many drivers did not quite understand when passengers requested for ‘Punggol 17 Avenue’. Then I learnt of a new name given to this place. The taxi drivers call it simply: Punggol 17. Hmm, that’s a cool name for sure!

Punggol End or Punggol 17 is a new place for me. It is the part of Singapore I am not very familiar having spent the first part of my life in Bendemeer-Rangoon area and the rest of my years, prior to coming here, mostly in Katong. My memories of Punggol could only go back to the once-upon-a-time time even before the air was filled with the ‘ketiak’ [armpits] odour of pigs. Once in a blue moon, my mum used to visit a Middleton Hospital colleage of hers for some ‘see-sek’ [chinese gambling cards game or what I thought was the female version of majong] session which lasted like a whole day. When evening came, the aunties either put up the dimly-lit oil lamps or the very brightly pumped kerosene lamps like those commonly used then by stall holders at Pasar Malam. I could still recall the challenge of going home once the aunties transfigured into ‘zombies’ after a day of ‘puak see-sek’. Someone would carry a torch light and lead us through a narrow dirt track before we reach the bus stop for the same bus number 82. It was scary as we believed pontianaks roam in the dark looking for guys [so hold on to your shorts tight] and we were advised never to look back if we smell the sweet fragrance of flowers especially from the frangipani tree.

Many years later, in 2009, I was back again to this place near the end of Punggol. It was different from what I had seen before. There were less trees, less farms though this last stretch of Ponggol Road still look the same narrow road quite like before. Once settled in the Seminary, I had the wonderful opportunity of experiencing the cool weather especially at night and in the early morning. I remember I did not need to use the fan in my room on my first two weeks here. My room faces the forest next door. I was often awakened at night by the sound of wild boar among other creatures and during the day watched different kinds of birds and abundant squirrels in their daily routines. At times, the monkeys made their special guest appearances.

Photo: Is this ….. Down-Under or somewhere? Courtesy of Br. Gregory Chan

Photo: A dream world right across the road. Courtesy of Br. Gregory Chan

I was amazed with the amount of wild lives present in this small remaining pocket of forest. Within a year, the surrounding places changed. Over a period of time, we could hear excavators pulling down the trees one by one. As the struggle went on between the excavator and each tree, I watched the swinging of other trees as if they were trying to uproot themselves so as to seek refuge somewhere else. For a while, the seminary also became like a passage way or crossing for many crawlies including the poisonous cobras. I have no idea where the creatures have gone to now but hopefully they have made their exodus to some other promising lands.

I must say that it has been a privileged for me to be here at this time where Punggol is undergoing major transition. I arrived just in time to catch the breath of the green lung of Punggol. For those who come to attend the next Vocation Recollection, be sure to catch a glimpse of the little old Punggol and give Him the highest glory and praise while admiring the plants of the earth, the bird in the sky, and the wild beasts and tame before the next change comes: the much anticipated Punggol 21. Come and see not only Punggol 17 but if you have time, go beyond … right to the end of Punggol.

Photo: Punggol Road and the bus stop for 17th Avenue.

Photo: Where Punggol Road meets Punggol 17th Avenue.

Photo: What else to do next?

Chains of Freedom

Being called by God to be a follower of Christ can sometimes seem very daunting. It seems to entail being chained to the commandments of Christ 'to love one another as I have loved you' (John 13:34), chained to the demands expected of a follower 'to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me' (Mark 8:34), even chained to the will of God that seems to go against how we want or desire to live our precious lives.

Gospel reading: John 21:20-25
    Peter turned and saw the disciple Jesus loved following them – the one who had leaned on his breast at the supper and had said to him, ‘Lord, who is it that will betray you?’ Seeing him, Peter said to Jesus, ‘What about him, Lord?’ Jesus answered, ‘If I want him to stay behind till I come, what does it matter to you? You are to follow me.’ The rumour then went out among the brothers that this disciple would not die. Yet Jesus had not said to Peter, ‘He will not die’, but, ‘If I want him to stay behind till I come.’
    This disciple is the one who vouches for these things and has written them down, and we know that his testimony is true.
    There were many other things that Jesus did; if all were written down, the world itself, I suppose, would not hold all the books that would have to be written.

Each time I am called by God either towards a particular vocation, a particular ministry, a particular person, or even just a small particular task, initially it almost seems as if I am being picked out by God from among so many around me, to be clamped with chains round my wrist, so that I may be pulled out and tasked to do God's bidding like a victimising master picking on his slave for fun and pleasure. It is during these moments that I seem to exclaim in Peter's words 'what about him, Lord?' pointing to so many people out there who seem more worthy and capable to be 'picked on'.

First reading: Acts 28:16-20, 30-31
    On our arrival in Rome Paul was allowed to stay in lodgings of his own with the soldier who guarded him.
    After three days he called together the leading Jews. When they had assembled, he said to them, ‘Brothers, although I have done nothing against our people or the customs of our ancestors, I was arrested in Jerusalem and handed over to the Romans. They examined me and would have set me free, since they found me guilty of nothing involving the death penalty; but the Jews lodged an objection, and I was forced to appeal to Caesar, not that I had any accusation to make against my own nation. That is why I have asked to see you and talk to you, for it is on account of the hope of Israel that I wear this chain.’
    Paul spent the whole of the two years in his own rented lodging. He welcomed all who came to visit him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ with complete freedom and without hindrance from anyone.

Yet we see how even though St Paul was imprisoned and chained in Rome through no fault or choice of his, it was 'on account of the hope of Israel that' he chose to 'wear this chain’. Not only that, throughout the time that he was chained, 'he welcomed all who came to visit him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ with complete freedom and without hindrance from anyone.'

Upon further reflection, I realise that whenever God calls me to follow His will, I am not really being chained to His whims and fancies. In fact, God is really coming to me to set me free from the worldly chains that bind me to earthly pleasures, bind me to my own desires, dreams, plans and will that spring from my own limited and misguided perception of what is really good for me. Only when I freely and willingly accept His calling do I allow God to set me free so that I may truly live out His perfect will for me 'with complete freedom and without hindrance from anyone' and especially without hindrance from my own self.

As I now slowly learn to accept His will and plan for me, I also slowly experience the freedom of being led by God to the fullness of His love and peace, through my deep and personal encounters of Christ, and through the way God uses me in 'proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ' in my everyday life.

It is in this light that I slowly stop looking around me and asking 'what about him, Lord?', for I have realised that it no longer matters to me why I seem to be the only one called, or why someone else isn't called, for God calls each one of us differently and for different paths, but ultimately God personally comes to each one of us to set us free from our earthly chains. And because of this, all that really matters to me is that I be 'chained' to His perfect love and will, to be bound by His mercy and greatness, and to live the life God wills for me with complete freedom.

Not Scared to Lose

I was having mixed feelings the night before this year's Annual Diocesan Vocation "Not Scared to Lose" Retreat held from 7-9 May. It may have been the fact that it was my first time participating in the retreat no longer as an aspirant but this time 'on the other side of the fence' as a seminarian / faciliator. But deep down I knew it was more so because exactly 3 years ago, I attended this same retreat for the very first time, and was one of the minority who sheepishly raised up my hand on the first night of the retreat when we were asked who in the room had a girlfriend. I could almost recall the gaping mouths and the looks of "are you out of your mind?!" horror on the faces of the other single men in the room. 

(If you didn't already know - you can read from my private post 'Sell Everything', I went for the retreat with the intention of confirming that it was God's plan for me to marry my girlfriend then by confirming through the retreat that priesthood was not for me. Yes, I've been asked 'what was I thinking?' many times already so don't you start.)

In all honesty, it's not that I'm having any regrets or remorse at this point in time. I've been very much at peace and have been experiencing moments of deep joy and intimate encounters with the Lord over the last 4 months in the seminary. But I suppose these mixed feelings come about whenever I start to reminisce about the past, recall what I used to have and now what I had to LOSE in order to answer the call of my vocation. It didn't help much either when I recently got to know that not 1, not 2, but THREE fellow aspirants who shared similar experiences of being prompted by God to leave their girlfriends to discern the priestly calling, eventually concluded after a period of discernment that their vocation was for the married life, and so have already gotten married or are about to tie the knot within the next few months. (So it's not true that all who come for a vocation retreat become priests, so what are you afraid of? In fact, with statistics like the above, what are you waiting for? Heh. =P ) While part of me is happy for them that they have finally found their true calling in life that will eventually lead them to the fullest of life and joy, I can't deny that a tiny part of me wonders why couldn't I have shared with them 'God's final answer' for them too. 

"For whoever will save his life will lose it. But whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." (Mark 8:35)

Yet it was Mgsr Eugene Vaz's homily on the last day of the retreat that truly shed much light on my little predicament. He mentioned that in seeking one's vocation in life, it wasn't so much as to consider what one had to LOSE or what one could GAIN from following God's call, but rather HOW we could use our God-given gifts, talents, strengths, positive qualities for the building of God's kingdom for the glory of God!

Losing

When I first felt called to the priesthood, I started out measuring my vocation based on what I had to LOSE in order to answer my call - my career, my girlfriend, my hopes of marriage and raising a family. This can make many fear taking the next step, especially when we are overwhelmed by how much we have to sacrifice. Sometimes we may even start to compare ourselves with others and begin to think how we will LOSE out to our peers when we take the road less travelled. During the early stages of my discernment period, I remember feeling jealous of dating couples and even hated attending weddings at one point in time when I saw my friends - what with their wedding gowns, smart suits and photoshoots - as having what I couldn't have.

Once after a good friend of mine gave birth to a baby boy, I got the chance to visit her. And when I saw how cute the baby was, I told her how jealous I was of her, to have such a nice happy family. But you know what she told me? She told me, “Are you crazy? I’m the one jealous of you, to be able to experience God in such a deep, personal way that you could just give up everything to answer His call. And that made me see things differently.

Gaining

Later I began to also see answering one's vocation as being able to achieve the greatest possible self-fulfilment in life, being able to experience the fullness of His love and joy that He meant for us to have by living out our vocation. While I believed God would still bless my marriage had I chosen to ignore His call, I concluded that not only will I be short-changing myself with a life of second-best (only in my case if I was called to the priesthood), I would also be shortchanging my partner from a better plan that God might have for her.

And so it surprised me when Msgr Eugene Vaz mentioned that the above should not be the primary reason why one answers a vocation call. While it is true that God wants the best for us, and will never disappoint or be outdone in generosity when we surrender our lives to Him, the above 'GAINS' are only to be considered the fruits and rewards of answering one's vocation call, the pleasant outcome of our obedience to His call.

Being

And so I've come to realise that measuring our vocation call based on what we have to LOSE and/or what we stand to GAIN from it, not only makes our response very much self-serving, it also would not sustain us in our vocation call. As Msgr Eugene Vaz points out, it is necessary that we stop asking 'what will I LOSE?' or 'what will I GAIN?', and start asking 'in which vocation can I best make use of my gifts and talents for His Church, for His glory?' When we can find the vocation - be it singlehood, marriage, or the religious life - where we can best serve God and His church using the gifts given to us, we not only give glory to God and benefit the entire church, we also get to fully live out the life God planned for us, to BE the person He created us to be - in His image and likeness, and THEN only will the things we have to LOSE pale in comparison to the awesomeness and perfection of His ultimate plan for us, and THEN only will we consequently GAIN the greatest possible life we can have through experiencing the fullness of His love and joy.

Indeed this was what I eventually experienced during the 3 days of the Diocesan Vocation Retreat. The minute I focused on giving my very best to God and to the retreatants, I found myself so taken up by the power of God working through the speakers, the sharings of the retreatants, the prayer sessions, the entire atmosphere of the retreat, and also through my very self, my very BEING. As I began welcoming the retreatants and making them feel as at home and as loved as I myself experienced 3 years ago, as I began sharing with the retreatants about my own experiences, struggles, joys, insights, as I even got to have some heart-to-heart chats with a few retreatants who were facing personal struggles or concerns, I found myself in great joy, fulfillment and awe at how powerfully God was using me as His instrument to journey with the retreatants and bring about His love and truth. And so not only was I there to provide faciliatation and support to the retreatants, the retreatants in turn have also provided me with the much needed affirmation that I am right where He wants me to BE, and have no regrets LOSING everything just so I can better serve God and His people. And the joy and peace I GAIN from it can never be replaced by anything else in the world.

"Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)

But then the question is, how do I continue refraining from looking into the past and dwelling on what I have to LOSE, or stop looking into the future at what I stand to GAIN?

St Therese of Liseux says, "It's only love that makes us what God wants us to be, and for that reason it's the only possessions I covet. But how to come by it? Our Lord has seen fit to show me the only way which leads to it, and that is the unconcern with which a child goes to sleep in its father's arms."

As I begin to grow in my intimacy with God through my time in the seminary, I better understand how true the above is. The more we grow in our relationship and intimacy with God as a child grows in relationship and intimacy with its father, the more we can trust in His ways and simply lie still in the Father's arms without a care in the world what we lost from the past or what we may gain in the future. When we can give that complete trust to the Father, all that matters is dwelling every minute of everyday in the Lord's presence, allowing Him to Lord over my life, to lead me to His perfect plan for me, and to totally submit and surrender to His time and purpose.

It's just as how I imagine myself to be caught in the middle of the ocean, still unaware of which island God wants me to end up on. Yet, if I try to take matters into my own hands and swim towards the island I think I want to go (which may not necessarily be His plan for me), I might be swimming against the current and tire myself out along the process. Instead, I realise all God wants of me is to BE STILL and know that HE IS GOD who knows best and will use the waves and the currents to gently and slowly lead me towards the island I am meant to end up on, the vocation I am meant to live out.

And so while I am still in my first year of formation, still unaware of what is to come in the subsequent years of my journey, I choose to continue lying in the middle of God's gigantic ocean of love, lying still in the midst of His gentle ways that will carry me day by day towards His perfect plan for me.

And my prayer is for all of us who may still be in search for our vocation, or may be struggling along the path towards responding to that vocation, that we may continue to faithfully build that intimate relationship with the Father through small faithful acts of prayer and time set aside for the Lord, such that once we can experience the 'unconcern with which a child goes to sleep in its father's arms' 

no matter where God is leading us towards our true vocation in life

we will not have to consider what we stand to GAIN

and we will most definitely

NOT be Scared to Lose! 

   

In His footsteps

3 hours Jesus spent hanging on the cross before His death

3 hours I spent kneeling in church before the Good Friday service

This year, us Initiation Year seminarians were allowed to participate in the Easter Triduum at any church of our choice, as part of our pastoral exposure programme. My seminarian classmate and I chose to attend the Good Friday service at St Joseph's church as we had heard much about their annual Good Friday procession, where this devotional practice handed down by the Fathers of the Portuguese Mission included the statue of Jesus being taken down from the cross before being carried around the church in solemn procession amidst a sea of lighted candles held up by Catholics and even non-Catholics, some of whom have been a part of this devotion every year without fail since their childhood days.

But this isn't the main point of my post. While the re-enactment of Jesus being taken down from the cross did invoke a deeper experience of witnessing the love and sacrifice of our Lord before me, what I wish to focus on was the 3 hours spent kneeling on the pews (thank goodness for cushion) prior to the service.

The reason why me and my classmate were at St Joseph's church 3 hours before the start of the service was because we heard that the church would be very crowded, and that if we wanted a seat as close to the 'action' as possible, we should be there early. Short of sounding like kiasu 'aunties' desperate to 'chop' seats, it was because we had the luxury of time in our initiation year (that's why some call it the 'honeymoon' year) that we decided to make those 3 hours a meaningful way of accompanying and sharing in Jesus' suffering while He hung on the cross for 3 hours before His death.

Armed with a bible, some reflection material, and my journal, I entered the church with my classmate and we planted ourselves as close to the front as possible (I don't suppose this makes us sound any less of kiasu aunties huh). I then knelt down and began to pray for the grace and strength to last those 3 hours. What I was caught unaware and unprepared for was the sudden prompting to remain in that kneeling position...for half an hour...then an hour more...then subsequently to challenge myself to remain in solidarity with the Lord by remaining in that position for the entire 3 hours just as He remained up on the cross for the same duration.

Although kneeling was nothing compared to being nailed to a cross, but within the first hour, the initial strength of the knee slowly gave way to discomfort (even with the cushion) and a slight pressure resulting from the weight of my body (thank goodness the Lenten practice of fasting relieved my knee of some grams). In time, even with the occassional shifting of the knee, pain started to build up in the knee caps, sometimes to the point of numbness before I relieve it with a temporary lift until I place it down again on another spot. But as the pain and discomfort of the adopted position grew, so did the experience draw me deeper into the whole experience of sharing in the pain and suffering of our Lord.

"If I am merely kneeling on cushioned pews, imagine the exponential amount of pain and suffering Jesus went through from hanging on the cross by mere nails pierced through his flesh, already discounting the scourging and torture He went through prior to His crucifixion." I thought to myself.

As I began to share a mere fraction of the suffering Jesus went through, I began to reflect on the image of Jesus being hung on the cross - bloody, scarred, wounded, vulnerable, weak, humiliated - the very image that was to win over the powers and the ways of the world, the very image that was to bring about the defeat of sin and death, the very image that was to bring about our very salvation. And this was the very image Christ seemed to be calling me to adopt in order to defeat the powers of the world, of evil, and to carry on His redemptive work for His church through my vocation.

Walking in His Footsteps

I began to realise that only when I follow in the footsteps of Jesus - to freely and willingly take on suffering in obedience to the will of God, to gladly accept the blood, scars, wounds that will come my way, to humbly allow myself to be vulnerable, weak and even humiliated, to experience the physical and emotional pain and suffering - can I then truly allow God to take over and work in me just as Jesus allowed the Father to work through Him. It is in my weakness, suffering, and vulnerability that I will begin to depend more on God, to trust in His protection and providence, to allow Him to give me strength I never knew I had, to rid myself from self-pride and personal desires and ideals, and truly be susceptible and open to the will of God that may reveal outcomes of "resurrections" I never thought possible, works of redemption I never thought myself capable of.

From the above experience and insight, I began to see my own experiences of suffering and pain as a way of walking in Jesus' footsteps, sharing in His suffering, pain and redemptive work.

Walking MY PATH in His Footsteps

However, just recently, I received another relevation related to the earlier insight during one morning's hour of adoration before the Lord. In the midst of my adoration, an image of Jesus' wounded feet descended before me and seemed to have stepped into MY footsteps. As I pondered further at that image, I began to realise that even before I found the strength, inspiration, and will to walk in Jesus' footsteps by sharing in His suffering, Jesus was the one who FIRST walked in my footsteps to share MY suffering during His passion, suffering and death! It was 2,000 years ago before I even started walking in my own footsteps did He already walked in them, shared in the suffering and pain that I am discovering and experiencing along my path, and already knew how I would be feeling and what I am going through right this moment as I continue to walk in my footsteps.

Jesus already knows what it feels like to have to part from a loved one, to have to break a relationship I cherished so much, to have to witness other happy couples getting married and starting families, to have to deal with sacrifices that come with this priestly vocation, to have to deal with my own weaknesses and sinfulness, to have to deal with conflicts and tension that exist in relationships with other people, to have to deal with outcomes that are not according to mywishes, to have to deal with sudden circumstances in my life that throw me into confusion and despair, and the list goes on.

All these Jesus had already walked in them, walking with His wounded, bloody feet with two permanent holes etched in them. And as I continue to walk in His footsteps that form my part of the journey, He is still there with me, walking with me, suffering with me. And because He has already walked in those footsteps of mine, He even knows which step I would trip so as to be prepared to catch me. He knows which step I would land on a stone so as to be prepared to hold me steady. He even knows which step I may miss, so that He takes it upon Himself to make up for it and take that step on my behalf. He also knows which steps are hardest and most tiring so as to be ready to carry me on His back and walk those familiar steps again for me.

With a God so loving as to send His only Son down to become one of us, and to pave the way for us by taking those footsteps first, why should I turn away from Him in the midst of my tiring, painful, heart-wrenching footsteps, when I can turn my face to Him instead, and allow Him to catch me, to hold me, to support me, and even to carry me.

Jesus never skips a step, even when we do.

So let us never feel afraid or alone whenever we take the steps that are laid before us, for Jesus has already walked in them, and we already know where these footsteps will eventually lead to, even if they have to pass through the dusty, bloody roads leading up to Calvary, for beyond those steps are footsteps towards redemption, resurrection, and Paradise.

And that's where I want my feet to end up eventually...even if my journey started with two knees on the ground (or cushioned pews for that matter).

Are We Asking The Right Questions?

It is coming to almost two months since our new academic year started in the seminary and quite a few things have happened these past few months. For me, it has been a time of re-adjusting back to seminary life after spending one whole year out at the Church of the Holy Spirit as part of my Regency programme.

One of the things that is new for me now that I am back in seminary is that I have just begun my theological studies. Often, in class, my brothers have been teasing me that they have been waiting for me to come back because they know that I will ask many questions in class. Although they are only joking, their teasing sometimes makes me wonder why I am known to have so many questions. I do admit that it is true that I do have many questions - I guess it stems from my desire to be clear, especially since I feel the weight of my seminary studies in terms of the teaching role I would play as a priest and also, I think it reflects my personal search for the truth. It could also well be that I am slower to grasp the subject that is being taught which can be embarrassing but I must accept that and of course my greatest fear in asking questions would be if I am holding back all my classmates or the lecturers in advancing further into the course if I had not asked those questions. I guess the issue at hand is whether the questions are pertinent and useful to the subject or are merely irresponsible and irrelevant questions. That is something I must continuously discern.

However, I would like to use this example of my own life to reflect on something deeper. I think that most of us Singaporean students prefer not to ask questions. I guess it is part of the education system we grew up in or maybe it is also just part of our Asian culture not to question because it may seem disrespectful or unnecessary. We would certainly prefer it if all the answers were just given to us on a golden platter. I guess this holds true at every level of our education and it is no wonder then that the ten year series books with worked solutions are always so popular for our major exams as we all want the worked out solutions. This could also be true for us when it comes to the bigger questions of life.

Let me sidetrack for a while by sharing with all of you a question that has been on my mind recently. In the Singaporean Catholic community, we have been praying for vocations for some years now and although we are seeing some change in the tide of vocations, I do not think that we have seen a dramatic change. Maybe it is still early and we are still at the stage of ploughing the fields so that the Lord can plant the seeds of vocation and we can look forward to the great harvest but I wonder if there are also other possibilities. In recent times, I have also been quite amused with the fact that I have met and heard of good and balanced men who begin on a search to discern whether they are called to the priestly vocation only to discover that they are not being called. I salute these men for their honesty and courage. But in recent times, I confess that I have been wrestling with God about why many of the men who are serious about discerning are not being called by Him. With so many people praying, it surely cannot be that the Lord has not heard our prayer. My wrestling with God is not that He is not calling people because I strongly believe that He is; my wrestling with Him is on why He seems to be bestowing the Call on all those who are probably not seriously discerning instead of those who seem to have. That is, I think what my question is at the moment. Part of the answer I get when I reflect on this is that God also wants us to reach out to the men who are still not yet discerning but have been called. This is a real challenge and I guess it is something we have to persevere in doing.

Recently, our Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, was reflecting on St. Bonaventure and he noted how when St Bonaventure had finished the equivalent of secondary school, he experienced the questions that so many young people ask: "John [later Bonaventure] asked himself a crucial question: 'What must I do with my life?'" This led Bonaventure to join the Franciscans and became one of the most important theologians in the history of the Church.

I guess this is what the crux of my reflection is. I think that one possible reason why we are not having vocations, and more importantly, why so many of us seem to be living mediocre lives is because we are not courageous enough in asking the right questions about our lives. I guess the classroom is just a brief reflection of our greater fear of asking questions. I do not think that I myself have been very courageous in this area. I think that often, it is not so much that we fear asking the question, although it can be embarrassing at times, but it is the answer that we fear. The answer could and normally does demand more than we can give or it could turn our whole worldview upside down and challenge us at the core of our being – whatever it is, the answer changes us in many ways and so, in reality, the question also changes us. Asking questions requires an element of vulnerability and trust. We have to trust that there is an answer that makes the question worth asking and that when we ask, we will be supported and not ridiculed. I guess this is where we are trying to do all we can to give a supporting and safe environment where our young Singaporeans can be courageous enough to ask the right questions. Maybe, they too will be courageous in asking with St Bonaventure, “What must I do with my life?” and so hear the voice of Christ. After all, the first words of Jesus in St John’s Gospel is a question - “What are you looking for?” (Jn 1:38)

And maybe, the courage that we show in asking the right questions in life would then inspire others to also ask the right questions and so begin living a radically meaningful life. Thus, we shall become salt and light of the world! Let us be courageous in asking the right questions!