Walking in the Dark

I thanked God for the cool night - but not so much for the mosquitoes though...

As with every other night, I made the sign of the cross, and began walking around the seminary grounds, under the few twinkling stars that dipped the clear night sky. I then started to think of the few friends whom I recently conversed with or heard about - one just went through a painful break-up, another faced family problems, some others were going through a faith crisis, and a religious sister was stricken with cancer - and she didn't tell many of us about it. 

Many questions swarmed my mind. The break-up reminded me of my own, and I shuddered as I relived my own pain from my own break-up some years back. Why play the cruel joke of giving us a whiff and taste of the sweetness and possibility of love only to snatch it away from our hands? - in those moments it would even have seemed we were better off without that whiff in the first place. Then family problems - how could one's sister be so insensitive to the family, and only care for her own needs and wants? Faith crisis? I'm not surprised. Look at the world, God. What a mess. Is it at all surprising so many people ask 'where is God?' And finally, the religious sister, who used to give so much of her time, presence and love to us. Why strike her with such a cruel condition at such a young age? Isn't there so much more she could still be doing in a world that's already in such a bad shape? And did it even leave her wanting to shut herself from the rest of us instead of getting all of us to pray for her? But then another thought quickly came to mind. I somehow sensed that she could be silently offering this suffering to God on behalf of the rest of the world, including us - what my spiritual Father calls 'Redemptive Suffering', with the same faith and trust as Blessed Chiara Badano, a member of the Focolare movement whose recent beautification at the young age of 19(!) I just read about in the CatholicNews awhile ago:

Chiara was diagnosed with bone cancer at the age of 17. Yet, she bore the news well, and offered up her sufferings, saying: “If you want it, Jesus, I want it too.” She endured much pain during countless tests and intensive treatment. When a tumour took away her ability to walk, she merely said: “Young people are the future. I can no longer run, but I want to pass the torch on to them like in the Olympics.”

Chiara continued to live the Gospel every day, and her faith in God gave her the peace and courage to cope with her illness. The people who surrounded her were awed by her serenity, and, despite the severe pain, her smile. She sought to console them instead, and prepared them for her departure. She saw her suffering as God asking more of her, and waited for the day she would meet Jesus.

At that point, I stopped in my tracks, looked up into the skies, and teared as I silently offered up my own personal suffering to God - the sacrifice of cutting off from the people I love, the residual pain of surrendering my past wants, the constant reminder of what I once had that I had to give up still lingering in my heart. I then asked Him to grant me and all my friends the strength and grace to accept these sufferings, to increase our love for Him and His people, and the patience and perseverance to run the race to the finishing line, according to the plan that He perfectly chose for each of us, for our good and the good of all His children... 

With these intentions, I began my rosary.

The first... joyful... myster-... JOYFUL?! Why joyful?? Of all the days I happened to choose a Monday to offer up prayer intentions for people who are suffering. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to reflect on the Sorrowful Mysteries to find some meaning or reason for our suffering? But no... I'm supposed to contemplate on the JOYFUL mystery? How joyful can one's suffering be?! My human emotional reaction pushed my faith aside and barged its way out of my mind (indeed I was). But I quickly humbly shoved it back into my head before beginning with the first JOYFUL mystery.

The Annunciation

As I contemplated on how Angel Gabriel announced to Mary of God's plan for her, I realised that it may have seemed like exciting, billboard-huge, JOYFUL news to be told that she was to carry the child of Jesus in her womb, and she would be part of God's mega-plan to bring salvation into the world! But then, I also realised of the suffering Mary must've also foresaw as a result of such 'joyful' news - the possibility of being stoned, the unkind names people might throw at her for being an unwed mother, her possibly unbelieving would-be husband. Yet, she still chose to say "yes", to accept God's plan for her, along with all the suffering that may follow, with faith and trust.

Can I accept the 'annunciation' of my suffering with the same faith and trust, saying "yes" to God's ultimate plan for me despite the current trials that His plan seems to include (and hope it's not just a loophole in His plan)?

The Visitation

The image of Elizabeth came to mind, and the miracle of her pregnancy at an age where she should've been barren. The words followed in my head: "Nothing is impossible for God."

Can I trust that amidst seemingly barren circumstances, where all tears have been exhausted and no hope seems to be in sight, can I still believe that nothing is impossible for God, that His goodness and promises will eventually prevail?

The Birth of Jesus

Jesus suffered even from the time of his birth, being born on a prickly haystack, surrounded by the fine stench of farm animals. But in return, He received Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh - to remind Jesus of His identity as King of God's new eternal kingdom, His role as Priest to bring comfort, healing and God's message of love and truth to His people, and finally His mission to suffer and Die for our sins so that we may receive salvation.

Can we, in the midst of prickly and stinking situations, still recall and accept our identity as precious children of God, heirs to His heavenly kingdom, our role as priests (common or ministerial) to be witnesses of faith and love to others when we persevere in our suffering and inspire others to do the same, and our mission to suffer and 'die' to our comforts, desires and will, in order to carry out God's plan of salvation and share in the glory of Jesus' resurrection when the time comes? Can we also accept God's many other gifts, including the gift of faith, hope, and love, to sustain us through our ordeal and keep us close to Him?

The Presentation

By consecrating their son Jesus to the Lord at the temple, Mary and Joseph chose to offer up to God all that He has given, with no thought of 'possessing' and claiming ownership over their son, recognising that everything is a pure gift from God.

Can we too consecrate our lives to God, recognising that we have no rightful claim, ownership or control over everything God has placed in our lives, and realising that only when we submit our lives and will to God, can His perfect plan for us be fulfilled in our lives where true peace, love, joy and fulfilment will indeed be given to us at the appropriate time?

Finally, the Finding of Jesus at the Temple

For this last mystery, I was prompted to close my eyes, and recall how Mary and Joseph must have been worried sick while they were anxiously looking for their son, uncertain and 'blind' to his whereabouts and having to count on patience, hope, and gruelling hours of waiting and searching until they found their son. This reminded me of how in the midst of our suffering, we too find ourselves trapped in total darkness, uncertain of the future ahead of us, unknowing of where to go from here, frustrated over having no clear direction as to where all this suffering is leading us to? 

As I continued my rosary walk, contemplating on this last mystery, and prompted to keep my eyes closed while walking in order to enter into the 'darkness' of our suffering, I began to notice my steps slowing down, my awareness of my surrounding increased, and my senses sharpened as I tried to feel my way ahead with my feet to ensure I didn't fall into a drain or crash into a tree. Sure enough, while I was mid-way through my last decade of the rosary, my slipper touched the curb in time for me to freeze immediately. As I slowly opened my eyes, I realised that if I hadn't stopped in time, I would've been on my way to falling into a drain!

That was when I realised what suffering does for us. In life, we often get so busy and caught up with life, clammering for what we desire, that we fail to slow down, fail to be aware of what God truly wills for us. Suffering does that for us. It gives us a much-needed opportunity to slow down, and hopefully after we get tired of ranting and raving and getting angry with God, we may eventually decide to rest in Him, another much-needed opportunity that we rarely make time for. And once we slow down, our awareness of God in our surrounding and in our hearts increase along with our senses that begin to sharpen as we gradually begin to sense God's comfort in the small things - a comforting word from a friend, an encouraging email that 'happened' to be sent to you, or even an out-of-the blue kid that smiles at you, things which you normally don't realise in the hustle and bustle of life. And that is when we begin to slowly become more conscious and aware of God's love and faithfulness towards us, and begin to desire to grow in our relationship with God, and trust in His ways.

Sometimes, God is afraid (and even knows how) our fast-paced, spiritually-starved lives may one day drive us not just into a curb or a drain but even off a cliff if we are not careful. Out of His love, as much as it must hurt Him more than it hurts us, He allows suffering to enter our lives, to throw us into darkness and uncertainty, in order to slow us down, and 'force' us to increase our awareness and sharpen our senses to His abounding and faithful love, so that we may not only stop ourselves from hitting the curb, but more importantly begin to be more aware of His love, trust in His ways, and walk with Him hopefully for the rest of our lives, towards His perfect plan for us.

As I ended my rosary with this final insight, I stood under the clear night sky, slightly different from how I first began this rosary walk, no longer harbouring disconcerting thoughts, but thankful for the JOYFUL outcome of tonight's contemplative rosary walk, and filled with a renewed sense of hope, courage, and trust, for myself and on behalf of my friends, knowing that God knows what He is doing, and He does it for our own good, out of His faithful and total love for us.

I also thanked God for the blinding darkness in our lives. 



Even when we find ourselves constantly walking in the darkness of our shadows, it is Christ who has been constantly walking right behind us, shining His Eternal Light onto us to show that we are never alone.



I Don’t Wanna Grow Up!

Those of my generation would probably remember the Toys’R’us jingle which used to go, “I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Toys’R’us kid” which used to be broadcast on the television and radio ever so frequently, especially during the Christmas season. There was always a certain magical feeling within me whenever I could make my “annual pilgrimage” to Toys’R’us during the Christmas season. It was like a magical world come alive, where a young boy could wonder away into all his fantasies with the latest gadgets and toys that surrounded him.

Well, that jingle has kind of left an impression on me and it still remains in my mind as a good reflection of the realities many of us live today. Psychologists tell us that we have to embrace the child that continues to live in each one of us and that is true in terms of the innocence and “child-likeness” each of us has within each of us. I guess it is from this child-likeness that we can even join Jesus in crying out, “Abba, Father!”.

However, I would like to reflect on another phenomenon that many of us young adult Catholics struggle from and this phenomenon is what I may call the “I don’t wanna grow up!” phenomenon. Most of us have grown up physically, intellectually and socially; we have passed out of the education system and may even hold many academic accolades; we have gone on to be in many enviable positions in society and may be able to yield great influence and respect from our peers; however, many of us remain as kids when it comes to our spiritual life and I think the worst part is that we almost feel comfortable with it. Somehow, no one or no situation in our lives has forced us to grow up spiritually and so, we have never seen any need to do so. Most of us started our spiritual regimes when we were kids and have not altered them or matured in them for most of our growing years. I guess this indifference many of us have is the main reason why we have stunted spiritual growths which have had diverse ramifications on many aspects of our Christian life, in particular our vocation journeys and life mission.

I guess part and parcel of growing up is for us to learn to take responsibility for our decisions and this is something scary but we are often forced to do it when it comes to our secular lives because life’s many demands just forces us to grow up whereas, when it comes to our spiritual lives, we are able to neglect it because there seems to be no direct consequences just yet. St Paul admonishes us rather harshly when he says, “Brothers, I could not talk to you as spiritual people, but as fleshly people, as infants in Christ. I fed you milk, not solid food, because you were unable to take it. Indeed, you are still not able, even now, for you are still of the flesh” (1 Cor 3:1-3).

It may be good for us to every now and then stop and take stock of where it is that we stand in our life journeys. When a young man or woman has started working or has established his or her career, people most often would ask, “so when are you going to settle down?”. There are stages in our lives that we are forced to enter, if not by internal conviction, then, it is often by external pressures that we move forward. Since we live in a highly secularised world today, almost nobody, sadly, not even our fellow Christians, would check on us and challenge us to mature in our spiritual lives, it may be up to us to seriously reflect on how we have matured and grown up in our spiritual lives. We need to make time to do this and this must be accompanied by sheer honesty and vulnerability with the self. If we are not experiencing the fullness of life that Christ promises us, then, it is highly likely that we could be living a “kiddish” spiritual life in a grown-ups body and it could be time to get down on your knees and to ask the Lord to guide you and to help you mature in your spiritual life. A good way forward if you are feeling helpless about what you can do about maturing in your spiritual life, then, it may be wise to seek the counsel of a matured Christian whom you know takes his spiritual growth seriously and will be willing to share with you his or her own journey in allowing the Lord to mature in this crucial dimension of being human. Do you suffer from the “I don’t wanna grow up!” phenomenon in your spiritual lives? Then it is time to do something about it!

No Pain, All Gain

The roll call one July morning at Block Fourteen, where Saint Maximilian was being kept, revealed that a prisoner had escaped. Commandant Fritch’s policy in such cases was to assemble all the prisoners from the block in the yard where they would stand at attention the whole day. If, by the end of the day, the escapee had not been recovered, ten others would be chosen at random to die in his place – death by starvation.

By three o’clock the prisoner was still not found and Fritch selected his victims. One of them, Francis Gajowniczek, cried out, “My poor wife, my poor children! What will happen to my family!” At that moment another prisoner stepped up to the commandant with hat in hand. Fritch bellowed, “What does this Polish pig want?”

The reply came: “I am a Catholic priest from Poland. I would like to take his place, because he has a wife and children.” 

A Witness recalls, “From astonishment, the commandant appeared unable to speak. After a moment he gave a sign with the hand. He spoke but one word: ‘Away!’ Gajowniczek received the command to return to the row he had just left. In this manner Father Maximilian took the place of the condemned man.”

From the hour that Father Kolbe descended into the starvation bunker – dark, cold underground cells of torture where human beings were left naked without any food or water to shrivel up and die in unspeakable agony – from that hour a great change came over the horrible place. Its keepers testify that the wailing and cries of suffering that earlier reverberated off the bunker’s walls were now converted into prayers and hymns. The change, in fact, was seen throughout the whole camp. Beatings were less frequent and less severe after the holy man’s sacrifice. Even Fritch himself took no more hostage – victims to die in the place of escapees.

“Never before,” said the guards, “have we seen anything like this.” When they made their morning rounds at the bunker to remove starvation – consumed corpses, they would find among the heaps of agonized, half-dead victims one who was always in prayer on his knees or standing, one who was always bright and fully conscious, one who was always peaceful and well kept. That one was Father Kolbe. “As if in ecstasy, his face was radiant. His body was spotless, and one could say that it radiated light,” an attendant reports. “I will never forget the impression this made on me.”

(excerpt from http://catholicism.org/maximilian-kolbe.html)

Last Saturday, on 14th August, in the midst of the seminary's Vocation Discernment 'Broken to Complete' Recollection, we also celebrated the memorial of St Maximilian Kolbe, a Catholic priest who volunteered to die on behalf of a fellow prisoner, who had a family to support. During one of the Recollection sessions, Fr Alex highlighted to us the amazing fact that while St Maximilian was approaching his death in a slow, painful way by starvation, an eye-witness account from one of the guards described his face to be "bright and fully-conscious, one who was always peaceful and well-kept... As if in ecstasy, his face was radiant. His body was spotless, and one could say that it radiated light." Fr Alex further shared his reflection that one of the reasons why many of the martyred saints could willingly die for Christ (such as St Lawrence, whose feast we recently celebrated, and was literally barbequed to death - and he could even joke with his torturers to flip him over while he was on his 'BBQ pit') could be that - they felt no pain! They could possibly have been so mesmorised by God and their love for Him that they truly felt no physical pain. And this was my take-away from the Recollection.

Looking back at my own vocation journey, during the many times that I would cry foul for the pain, suffering, resentment, jealousy, self-doubt, unworthiness etc. that I was experiencing, I realised these were the moments where I was focusing my attention very much on me, myself and I (the lonely trinity as shared by one of the seminarian brothers). Fr Ronald Rolheiser, in one of his recent columns in the Catholic News, also termed this as the 'Ego-drama' - where the drama of our lives were centered upon our Ego-self. In this Ego-drama, he explains that life is all about ME, about things having to always go MY way, and about getting the things that I want. The problem with the Ego-drama is that it is very much dependent on the situations in our lives, the external forces of circumstance, where we have little, if not more often than not, NO control over. That is why we often find ourselves going through mood swings depending on where the wind blows, frustrated when things don't go our way, angry and resentful when our loved ones get taken away, disappointed when our personal dreams and desires do not materialise, flustered when we see acts of injustice and persecution blatantly being carried out with no seeming end to it...

Yet, in recent times, I realised that it is when I begin to shift my focus away from my Ego-self, and centre it on God alone, do I then find my apparent pain, frustrations, anger etc slowly fade away, making room for inner joy, peace and hope to slowly pour into my heart. This is what Fr Ronald Rolheiser terms as the 'Theo-drama' - where we make God centre-stage of our life drama, making our lives not about us but about Him, and surrendering and subjecting every aspect of our life according to His plans, His ways, and His will. The difference in the Theo-drama is that spiritual state of heart and mind is independent of external circumstance, and dependent instead on an unchanging, unfailing, ever-loving, ever-faithful God. And because God never changes His loving and faithful nature, so too will we not be moved in our spiritual state of inner joy, peace and hope - which may even flow into our emotional and even physical states of heart and mind - so long as our gaze and focus continues to be centered on God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (the Holy Trinity that never leaves us feeling alone or in despair).

The effects of the Theo-drama, and the idea of some martyrs possibly feeling no pain before their death, was somewhat concretised in my own experiences of self-mortification that I attempted since Lent this year, by kneeling without a cushion for an hour before the Blessed Sacrament on certain days of the week, and especially by my record experience of kneeling for 3 whole hours before the Blessed Sacrament just before the Good Friday procession at St Joseph's church - as described in my previous entry 'In His Footsteps'). Although initially, I could feel the pain emerging from my knees as if my body got heavier by the minute, it was when I continued to fight the pain and remain focused on the Blessed Sacrament that I began to enter deeper into the presence of Christ, to the point of being almost mesmorised by God Himself, and oblivious to my surroundings, not anxiously counting down how long I had to stay in that position for, and truth be told - oblivious of any pain that I was initially feeling! Indeed, it was like going through a tiny sliver of what some martyrs may have had to go through while being slowly tortured to death - NO PAIN! 

But of course, to reach that true stage of replacing the Ego-drama with the Theo-drama, of dying to self to the point of feeling no pain, and experiencing all the gain of peace, radiance and ecstasy, does not happen overnight. As I'm sure was the case for many of the martyrs, it demands the daily consciousness of seeking out opportunities to practice dying to self, dying to the ego; to constantly subject ourselves to the pain of being bread broken for others in order to slowly internalise the Theo-drama, and make it such a part of our daily lives that it becomes second nature. It demands choosing to sacrifice my comforts and inconveniences for the sake of others. It demands making choices that are not self-motivated but motivated by love for others. It demands that I die to my will of how things should be done, and learn to entrust things to God's way of doing things according to His time and purpose. It may even demand me to die to my pain and frustration in view of certain injustices or persecutions that I see happening in the church today, and focus on the hope and victory of God in His time.

And so for me, this truly encapsulates the theme of the Voction Discernment Recollection - 'Broken to Complete', whereby one follows Jesus not just in the way of which vocation He calls us to follow, but more so in following Jesus all the way to the cross, where He broke Himself by dying on the cross, so as to complete His mission of making His Church one complete Body, bringing us completeness of joy, peace, love, and ultimately salvation. And so regardless of whichever vocation we may be called to - whether religious life, marriage, or even as a single - all of us are called to break of ourselves through the sacrifices that comes with every vocation, so that we may echo the words of St Paul who proclaimed, "At present I rejoice when I suffer for you; I complete in my own flesh what is lacking in the sufferings of Christ for the sake of his body, which is the Church." (Colossians 1:24). It is also through this dying to ourselves, that we truly forget our entire ego-self, and bring our complete attention towards God, as if the self dies away, to the point that there is no 'self' left to feel any physical or emotional pain and suffering, such that "it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me" (Galatians 2:20).

With every daily moment-to-moment step of dying to our ego-self, I believe we can be one step closer of experiencing what St Maximilian did - that amidst all the turmoil, suffering, stormy days that we may be subjected to, we can still truly feel NO PAIN, but only ALL the GAIN of God's never-failing, everlasting love, joy and peace that leaves us radiant and in complete ecstasy. 

Mary, Woman of Priority and Exceptional Love

“Don’t let someone be a priority in your life… when you are just an option in theirs.”

This is a message displayed as a status in one of friend’s Facebook account, and as I was thinking about it, and while this same message although seem to be intended for perhaps a reality check for my friend’s relationship with other people, this same message can be applied on the spiritual level as well.

“Don’t let someone be a priority in your life… when you are just an option in theirs.”

Is God a priority in our lives or is God one of the many superfluous in our lives, so that he is a good option especially when times seems bad, relationships are on the rocks, finances are uncertain, and that option of having a soothing God makes perfect sense. Or is it when times are good for us, God seems to be that nice accessory that makes all things picture perfect? Or is he truly the real mantelpiece that takes centrestage in the room of our lives, in the heart of our being?

“Don’t let someone be a priority in your life… when you are just an option in theirs.”

If in our relating with people, especially with those whom we perceive as important, in a way likewise, we hope they will see us as important, as priority in their lives and not just mere options, second best accessories. Are we likewise doing the same for God, who practically gives us everything that you and I have in our lives. Nothing, nothing really belongs to us, they are gifts from the Lord. Yet, God gives us the freedom to use these gifts as we deem fit. He leaves the choice to us, no coercing, no forcing upon, while at the same time gives us the grace of knowing what is right and wrong.

Mary’s yes to the invitation to become the Mother of God in the Annunciation, her urgency in visiting Elizabeth thereafter despite her own pregnancy, Mary’s attentiveness the needs of the bridal couple at Cana when they ran out of wine, her openness to be not just the mother of Jesus, but to be the mother of the beloved disciple – who represents the whole of humanity – at the foot of the Cross despite her own sorrows, was not simply bored out as a matter-of-fact, as if it comes naturally to her. But Mary’s constant ‘yes-es’ was a result of her recognizing God as a priority in her life, and the awareness that she too is not a mere digit or iota in the plan of God, but truly as someone unique and is a priority in God’s plan. Not an option but truly a priority.

Mary’s yes is also an act of love, an act of the mind and heart, an act of will. Love is acceptance of what God has in store for us as it is, and yet love is also a rejection. When we love something or someone, it also means we reject something or someone. If John loves Mary, this would mean that he rejects all other girls and his love, his preference is for no one else but Mary. Likewise, if we love God, it also means that we reject sin and all other things that prevent us from loving him wholly and fully.

If given a choice on a train journey, would we not want to travel first-class and enjoy all the perks and first-class comforts? God does not have second-best or economy-class plan for each of us, but God has a first-class plan, a heaven-class plan for each of us, and He is inviting to hop on this train ride with Him, and yet only if we want to. Sadly, many of us prefer a second-class train ride, a second-rated relationship with Him, and that at times includes even me.

Whenever we approach Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament, let us ask God the Father for the grace to see as Mary sees, to love as Mary loves, to see and ask for the grace to recognize that God has a unique plan for each of us. We are not mere options in God’s masterplan, but truly a priority. Ask Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament for that exceptional love just as Mary has, to love God the Father exceptionally, as truly a priority in our lives. Let God be the priority in our lives and not just an option.


Dearest Mother, grant to us the quality of exceptional love for your Son Jesus, so that He can lead us to the Father. Help us in this train of life, and never let us lose hope. Whenever we lose sight of your Son Jesus, gently guide us with your maternal love and when times calls for it, rebuke us with tough love on your part, so that we be ever perfecting in our journey towards the Kingdom. All these we pray in the name of Jesus, through the Father, in the Holy Spirit. Amen

Reflections on Corpus Christi

A Catholic Bishop was speaking with a learned man who was a non-believer. The man asked, 'How is it possible for the host to be transformed into the body and blood of Jesus Christ?' The Bishop thought for a while and replied, 'Do we eat food everyday? These food are digested and transformed into our body and blood, is it not? God is capable of even greater things. Why then is it not possible for this to be transformed into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ?'

The man asked again, 'How can the whole of Jesus be present in the little piece of host?' The Bishop pondered for a moment and said, 'The scenery before us is beautiful, is it not? The whole horizon and the vast plains in front of us.' The man nodded in agreement. 'The scene before us is captured in our eyeball, such a small receptacle of the human body. How then is it not, for a God who is capable of greater things, to make present the whole Jesus in the little host?'

The man pondered and asked again, 'Tell me how then, is it possible for the same Jesus to be present in all the hosts all over the world, at the same time.' The Bishop thought for a moment and replied with a smile, 'You have seen a mirror? It captures the image of whatever it reflects. If you throw it on the ground, it will shatter into little pieces. Each piece will also reflect the same image at the same time won't they.'

The Body and Blood of Jesus Christ which we receive every mass is so often taken for granted. My prayer is that this day and everytime we receive this sacrament of love, we may ponder more deeply the great gift that our Lord has given to us, to be present with us not only spiritual, but also physically.

Punggol End or End of Punggol? - Br Edward Seah

At our recent Diocesan Vocation Retreat, I learnt that quite a number of participants could not find the way to the Seminary. How is that possible considering Singapore is [according to a minister from one of our neighbouring countries] just a little red dot? Then I recall the very few occasions I had taxi rides to the place. The drivers did not seem to know where Ponggol 17 Ave or Ponggol End were. One only knew when I said ‘It’s near the end of Punggol’.

At a table conversation during the vocation retreat, I learnt that it seems many drivers did not quite understand when passengers requested for ‘Punggol 17 Avenue’. Then I learnt of a new name given to this place. The taxi drivers call it simply: Punggol 17. Hmm, that’s a cool name for sure!

Punggol End or Punggol 17 is a new place for me. It is the part of Singapore I am not very familiar having spent the first part of my life in Bendemeer-Rangoon area and the rest of my years, prior to coming here, mostly in Katong. My memories of Punggol could only go back to the once-upon-a-time time even before the air was filled with the ‘ketiak’ [armpits] odour of pigs. Once in a blue moon, my mum used to visit a Middleton Hospital colleage of hers for some ‘see-sek’ [chinese gambling cards game or what I thought was the female version of majong] session which lasted like a whole day. When evening came, the aunties either put up the dimly-lit oil lamps or the very brightly pumped kerosene lamps like those commonly used then by stall holders at Pasar Malam. I could still recall the challenge of going home once the aunties transfigured into ‘zombies’ after a day of ‘puak see-sek’. Someone would carry a torch light and lead us through a narrow dirt track before we reach the bus stop for the same bus number 82. It was scary as we believed pontianaks roam in the dark looking for guys [so hold on to your shorts tight] and we were advised never to look back if we smell the sweet fragrance of flowers especially from the frangipani tree.

Many years later, in 2009, I was back again to this place near the end of Punggol. It was different from what I had seen before. There were less trees, less farms though this last stretch of Ponggol Road still look the same narrow road quite like before. Once settled in the Seminary, I had the wonderful opportunity of experiencing the cool weather especially at night and in the early morning. I remember I did not need to use the fan in my room on my first two weeks here. My room faces the forest next door. I was often awakened at night by the sound of wild boar among other creatures and during the day watched different kinds of birds and abundant squirrels in their daily routines. At times, the monkeys made their special guest appearances.

Photo: Is this ….. Down-Under or somewhere? Courtesy of Br. Gregory Chan

Photo: A dream world right across the road. Courtesy of Br. Gregory Chan

I was amazed with the amount of wild lives present in this small remaining pocket of forest. Within a year, the surrounding places changed. Over a period of time, we could hear excavators pulling down the trees one by one. As the struggle went on between the excavator and each tree, I watched the swinging of other trees as if they were trying to uproot themselves so as to seek refuge somewhere else. For a while, the seminary also became like a passage way or crossing for many crawlies including the poisonous cobras. I have no idea where the creatures have gone to now but hopefully they have made their exodus to some other promising lands.

I must say that it has been a privileged for me to be here at this time where Punggol is undergoing major transition. I arrived just in time to catch the breath of the green lung of Punggol. For those who come to attend the next Vocation Recollection, be sure to catch a glimpse of the little old Punggol and give Him the highest glory and praise while admiring the plants of the earth, the bird in the sky, and the wild beasts and tame before the next change comes: the much anticipated Punggol 21. Come and see not only Punggol 17 but if you have time, go beyond … right to the end of Punggol.

Photo: Punggol Road and the bus stop for 17th Avenue.

Photo: Where Punggol Road meets Punggol 17th Avenue.

Photo: What else to do next?

Chains of Freedom

Being called by God to be a follower of Christ can sometimes seem very daunting. It seems to entail being chained to the commandments of Christ 'to love one another as I have loved you' (John 13:34), chained to the demands expected of a follower 'to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me' (Mark 8:34), even chained to the will of God that seems to go against how we want or desire to live our precious lives.

Gospel reading: John 21:20-25
    Peter turned and saw the disciple Jesus loved following them – the one who had leaned on his breast at the supper and had said to him, ‘Lord, who is it that will betray you?’ Seeing him, Peter said to Jesus, ‘What about him, Lord?’ Jesus answered, ‘If I want him to stay behind till I come, what does it matter to you? You are to follow me.’ The rumour then went out among the brothers that this disciple would not die. Yet Jesus had not said to Peter, ‘He will not die’, but, ‘If I want him to stay behind till I come.’
    This disciple is the one who vouches for these things and has written them down, and we know that his testimony is true.
    There were many other things that Jesus did; if all were written down, the world itself, I suppose, would not hold all the books that would have to be written.

Each time I am called by God either towards a particular vocation, a particular ministry, a particular person, or even just a small particular task, initially it almost seems as if I am being picked out by God from among so many around me, to be clamped with chains round my wrist, so that I may be pulled out and tasked to do God's bidding like a victimising master picking on his slave for fun and pleasure. It is during these moments that I seem to exclaim in Peter's words 'what about him, Lord?' pointing to so many people out there who seem more worthy and capable to be 'picked on'.

First reading: Acts 28:16-20, 30-31
    On our arrival in Rome Paul was allowed to stay in lodgings of his own with the soldier who guarded him.
    After three days he called together the leading Jews. When they had assembled, he said to them, ‘Brothers, although I have done nothing against our people or the customs of our ancestors, I was arrested in Jerusalem and handed over to the Romans. They examined me and would have set me free, since they found me guilty of nothing involving the death penalty; but the Jews lodged an objection, and I was forced to appeal to Caesar, not that I had any accusation to make against my own nation. That is why I have asked to see you and talk to you, for it is on account of the hope of Israel that I wear this chain.’
    Paul spent the whole of the two years in his own rented lodging. He welcomed all who came to visit him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ with complete freedom and without hindrance from anyone.

Yet we see how even though St Paul was imprisoned and chained in Rome through no fault or choice of his, it was 'on account of the hope of Israel that' he chose to 'wear this chain’. Not only that, throughout the time that he was chained, 'he welcomed all who came to visit him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ with complete freedom and without hindrance from anyone.'

Upon further reflection, I realise that whenever God calls me to follow His will, I am not really being chained to His whims and fancies. In fact, God is really coming to me to set me free from the worldly chains that bind me to earthly pleasures, bind me to my own desires, dreams, plans and will that spring from my own limited and misguided perception of what is really good for me. Only when I freely and willingly accept His calling do I allow God to set me free so that I may truly live out His perfect will for me 'with complete freedom and without hindrance from anyone' and especially without hindrance from my own self.

As I now slowly learn to accept His will and plan for me, I also slowly experience the freedom of being led by God to the fullness of His love and peace, through my deep and personal encounters of Christ, and through the way God uses me in 'proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ' in my everyday life.

It is in this light that I slowly stop looking around me and asking 'what about him, Lord?', for I have realised that it no longer matters to me why I seem to be the only one called, or why someone else isn't called, for God calls each one of us differently and for different paths, but ultimately God personally comes to each one of us to set us free from our earthly chains. And because of this, all that really matters to me is that I be 'chained' to His perfect love and will, to be bound by His mercy and greatness, and to live the life God wills for me with complete freedom.